This past Shabbos, I found myself experiencing deep-seated tension and frustration. I woke up with a sense of unease, I knew I needed to confront these emotions head-on.
After Shabbos, I found solace in meditation, allowing myself to vocalize the anger and pain within me.
This experience brought to mind a story shared by a Rabbi during his youth. He shared an encounter he had as a young man while helping other people perform mitzvot in a mall (mivtzioim). An older jewish woman, who was a holocaust survivor, would come in and out where he was expressing her disbelief in G-d. After a few times, he asked her, "how come?" She responded “because I’m mad at him!”
Upon sharing this narrative, the Rabbi emphasized the profound nature of the woman's emotion. Despite enduring unimaginable suffering by the Nazis, she directed her anger not towards them, but towards G-d. This, he explained, actually touches on the depth of her relationship with the Divine.
In Jewish thought, there is no other power or entity other than G-d (Ein Od Milvado); therefore, there is no other power to feel angry at nor to worship—only G-d. Thus, directing anger towards anything else would be akin to idol worship, according to our sages.
The woman's anger served as evidence to her connection with G-d. It wasn't mere frustration but a reflection of the bond she held with G-d, even amidst her struggles and doubts.
Yet, it's essential to recognize that while anger may arise, it is not meant to endure. Instead, acknowledging it serves as the initial step toward healing and growth.
Among other comparisons, the relationship with G-d is like the relationship of husband and wife. Imagine the wife is doing things for her husband, but it doesn’t feel like her husband is reciprocating. Finally, the frustration erupts and she yells, “I’m mad at you!” And he responds, “I have been waiting long for you to say that!” Having observed me and the frustration I felt, G-d was pleased, so to speak, that I finally worked through and verbalized the emotions rather than bottle them up. Even though unpleasant, it is precisely in these moments of discord that the depth of our connection is revealed. It's a reminder of Who we're doing things for, rather than just to do them i.e the "right" things in the "wrong" way.
In witnessing conflict, especially growing up, a resistance arises. However, whether between partners or with the Divine, we must recognize it as evidence of a real relationship. Far from being a sign of detachment, anger signifies the depth of the bond shared.
Ultimately, our relationship with G-d encompasses both body and soul—an interplay of deeds and devotion. At times, we focus on the tangible aspects of our connection. Yet, there are also moments when we must nurture the relationship itself.
In this journey of self-discovery and spiritual growth, may we embrace the complexities of our emotions, recognizing them as information on the path to deeper understanding and connection with G-d.